‘I’m a bit of a perfectionist, I like to get things just right’. I’m sure I’ve said something like this in a job interview way back in the mists of time trying to convey how I pay attention to detail and assure them I’m really conscientious. Nothing wrong with that, it’s a positive trait, you can rely on me, give me the job!

But that’s not what perfectionism is. Perfectionism is a debilitating and painful self-protection mindset that has us chasing an impossible ideal, grinds us to a halt when something in us realises perfect is impossible, and yet supercharges our inner critic who goes to town on our perceived failure. Brene Brown describes perfectionism as a ’20-ton shield we use to protect ourselves’. Dragging that around with you all the time is completely exhausting. Perfectionism is an expression of anxiety, of not being good enough, of shame and fear. It’s not meeting deadlines or showing up in case you get it wrong or are deemed less than ideal. It’s rigid instead of flexible, it’s controlling instead of free-flowing, it’s filled with the fear of failure.

If you want to relax your need to achieve the impossible you might ask yourself: what am I afraid will happen if this doesn’t happen exactly as I imagine it? Is it that people will see how flawed you are and you won’t be able to handle it? Maybe it’s that your deepest fear of not being worthy will be confirmed when you or others see how you fall short.

Getting to know what the underlying story or fear is can be empowering. You’re no longer stumbling blindly, you have more information to work with. You might come to see that these thoughts are part of a story you made up to protect yourself. And if you get that far, the possibility of it not necessarily being true opens up. Drop the storyline, release some of that pressure to be perfect. Because you won’t ever manage it anyway.