A great deal is written in self-help books and websites about how to deal with your inner critic – that nagging or nasty voice that lives inside our heads telling us how we’re getting it all wrong, that we look ugly, that we’re completely stupid – and most of it tells you to ignore or fight back against this sabotaging character. The advice is: Don’t listen to it! Focus on positive thoughts only!

How’s that working out for you long term?

There’s no doubt a burst of fighting energy feels empowering in the short term, and focusing on the positive can also be uplifting. But constant fighting and denial drain a lot of energy that could be used more productively. Without getting to know why those critical thoughts are there and what the critic is trying to achieve for you, you’re missing out on an opportunity to transform it into an ally.

So instead of seeing your inner critic as your enemy, could you get curious about why it feels the need to treat you so cruelly? Trust me, there will be a good reason waiting to be uncovered. The inner critic is usually doing its best to protect you from harm by using the tools it has available. If you think that this critical ‘sub personality’ has probably been keeping you company since you were pretty young, it’s also pretty young and is using the only approach it knew about at age 4, 7, 13 or whenever it came into being.

When we can step back a little and see how a part of ourselves is struggling and trying to do its best for us, it can allow us to open in compassion towards it. You might try noticing when you feel the usual reaction to the criticism. Take a deep breath and pause to acknowledge it with curiosity: I feel beaten down again. I wonder why the critic is attacking me like this. Maybe it has a good reason and is trying to keep me safe from pain of some kind.

This new way of thinking can not only soothe the sting of the criticism, it can also create space to allow you to see the critic with fresh eyes and a willingness to understand and be friendly towards it. And when that part of you feels welcome, it feels less need to control you with criticism. Every part of you can relax the defences and relate more openly.